


Reminiscence

by Ziallshippingislife



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Niall Horan - Freeform, Zayn Malik - Freeform, Ziall Horlik, Ziall forever, ziall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 02:56:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15233811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ziallshippingislife/pseuds/Ziallshippingislife
Summary: Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.“Zayn.”





	1. Chapter 1

“Niall, you going to meet me there?” Harry said over the phone as I was running my fingers through my wet hair. 

“Yeah, head out soon, I’ll see you there.” I said and then hung up. 

Once again it was Friday night and Harry was ready to drag me to another loud bar to try and get me laid. I smiled to myself knowing he was the only one getting lucky again. Picking up guys was never my strong suit. Yet, every weekend I made my way to the bar to watch one of my best friends pick up these hot guys while I sat drinking by myself.

I heard the front door open and I sighed. I looked myself over in my mirror once again deciding this was the best it was going to get. My brown hair ruffled and my blue button down slightly unbuttoned so my chest could peek out a little. 

I heard a soft knock on my door and gently turned to see Liam standing in my doorway. 

“Hey Ni.” His voice was soft.

“Hey Li, how was your exam?” I asked, knowing he had been studying hard all week for it.

“It was good, yeah.” He said, smiling at me now. 

Liam was working towards finishing up school this year while the rest of us had been out a year before already. We all received full time positions after graduating last year and now Liam was on his way to do the same. Harry and Louis recently moved in together while Liam and I continued to live in the house we had all began living in just before college started. 

“What’s up?” I asked, watching him stand in the doorway watching me closely. Liam’s face looked tense, as he tapped his fingers against my door frame. 

“I just haven’t heard from you all day and I wanted to make sure you were okay. “

“I’m fine Liam.” I sighed out. 

He was quiet now, his fingers coming to a halt and the room falling quiet. I knew he was going to approach me at some point eventually. It had been five years ago today that Zayn had left.

“I’m sorry.” He said gently, opening the door wider so he could walk up behind me. I heard his body rest upon my bed and the squeak from the springs rang throughout the room. “I just want you to be safe tonight. Don’t do anything you’ll regret and call me if you need anything.”

“Thanks.” I replied, my eyes never meeting his. He sat for a couple more seconds in the awkward quietness before he stood and left the room. 

Liam was always worried about me, more than anyone else. He always knew when there was something wrong with me. Even today I couldn’t fool him. 

I grabbed my wallet from my bedside table and headed for the bar. 

My heart was heavy today there was no denying that. But instead of bothering the boys about it I planned on drowning myself in liquor until I couldn’t feel the pain anymore. 

Tonight, I knew my mind was going to reminisce. Keeping my thoughts of him out of my brain was going to be impossible. It used to be so difficult not to think of him, but as time went on it got easier. Certain days were harder than others but now it’s not so often I think of him.

At first it was so hard all I did was cry and think about how much I missed him. For weeks and months, I cried every day wondering why he left me and everything he knew behind. It was the worst point in my life. Remembering myself so broken shakes me up still. My friends were so worried about me doing something stupid they would take turns watching me.  
I was in love, and I thought he was too. We were ready to start a new life together. But before it even began, he split. I called and texted him for days but I never received a response. He had removed himself from all social media so he had vanished entirely. 

He had completely left me in the dark. Not knowing why made it even harder to get over him. I couldn’t eat, sleep or move. All I did was sit in my room and cry. Until one day I realized this pain wouldn’t last forever. 

You see I’ve learned time is the only treatment for pain. It may never go away completely, but getting used to the feeling of the despair in your heart sets in and becomes familiar. Not only will it fade but you will accept it and learn to live with that scar.

Pictures and videos will haunt your memory, but will also be bittersweet. It’s the memories that wrap themselves around the heart and brain that make you weep. Never able to forget the reminders that find their way back to you.

Zayn left without a goodbye. Not a single word. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in five years. A relationship so beautifully perfect which was broken so suddenly with no explanation or warning.  
How does one move on from losing someone who was once so precious? It fades, but never disappears. There will be no cure. Love is a tattoo on the heart. 

I finally made it to the bar and walked inside. I waved to Harry seeing him chatting up some short blonde laughing at one of his jokes if I had to guess. I didn’t want to interrupt so I quickly headed to the bar. 

I headed to my usual table after ordering and taking down a couple drinks and a shot to help get my head buzzing. As I was getting ready to sit down a face I recognized moved to stand right in front of me. After years of repair, which proved to be so difficult, just one glance had ripped that scar on my heart open again to bleed and ache.

Seeing him in the flesh in the middle of a loud bar. The person I loved unconditionally for so long standing in front of me who had vanished years ago without explanation. So familiar in all senses.

“Niall.” My name slipped from his lips. My heart cracked inside of me.

“Zayn.” 

Our eyes were connected, the nostalgic feeling washing over me. We stood staring for what felt like hours but in reality was merely seconds before his lips began to move again.

“You look great.” He smiled at me as his eyes were glancing at my body now, up and down, the flicker of gold hitting the lights. 

My chest was tight and my eyes began to burn. My insides were boiling and I began to clench my fists so tight I felt my skin begin to tear from my fingernails. 

“S-So do you.” I choked out, unsure of what I should even say. My mind was racing. I was confused and unsure if this was even real. The music was loud but his voice was the only thing thumping in my ears.

“It’s been a long-“ 

“I have to go.” I rushed out and quickly turned on my heel and headed for the exit. I slammed my drink down on the nearest table top and ducked out past the bouncer. 

I heard him call my name but I continued to run. 

My vision was blurry from the vodka and my steps were shaky. The familiar severe pain I felt throughout my chest was getting heavier with every step I took. I felt my eyes fill with tears as I slowed down to rest my back against a fence. 

I reached into my pocket and quickly began to dial the first person who came to mind. 

“Niall?” Liam answered quickly. I tried to speak but I was choked up. “What’s going on?” He questioned again. I took a deep breath and swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Zayn’s back.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The ride home was a lot quieter than I thought it would be. Liam picked me up on the corner of some street I couldn’t even remember and I climbed in without a single word. We were silent, straining to listen to the radio which was turned down low.

When we pulled in the driveway he shut off the engine but continued to stare straight out the windshield not looking at me. 

“You’re kidding me, right?” He asked then, his voice dark. 

I saw his hands gripping the steering wheel so tight his knuckles were turning white. I bit at my thumbnail trying to keep the tears settled inside of me. I still couldn’t speak.

“What the hell.” He breathed out his grip loosening and his shoulders slumping. “What did he say to you?”

“Nothing.” 

“What do you mean nothing?” He asked bewildered. “He comes back tonight of all nights, catches you at a bar, and he says nothing?” 

I felt a tear slip past my eye and I breathed in deeply. 

“I think, I should just- I need to get some sleep.” I barely whimpered out. I could feel Liam’s concerning eyes on me. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to talk Niall?” He asked carefully. I knew he wanted to talk. Zayn leaving not only hurt me but the rest of us as well. But the cut on my heart was aching so much I could barely breathe. 

“I can’t.” 

I opened the door and stepped out of the car leaving Liam behind me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My eyes cracked open as the light was shining through the slits of my shades onto my face. My nose felt stuffy and my eyes were heavy. 

I didn’t want to let myself cry all night but the sobs shook through me without hesitation. There was nothing I could do to stop them. Seeing him was unbelievable and I felt broken all over again.  
I kicked my blankets off and headed for the door hearing voices coming from the living room. I knew Liam was home today, but I didn’t think he would be up so early. 

I walked down the hallway and turned the corner only for my heart to skip a beat and plunge itself into my throat. 

“I really don’t think-“ Liam cut himself off when I entered. 

“Niall.” He said, but I was not looking at him at all. Beyond him standing at the door was Zayn.

It was quiet then. My eyes locked with his once again. His hair was strewn across his forehead and the sweater he wore was mine. My heart began to pound and I ran my shaky fingers through my hair, hoping it wasn’t too rough from my horrible night sleep. 

“It’s eight in the morning what do you want?” I gritted my teeth, tearing my eyes away and walking to the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee. 

“I was hoping we could possibly talk.” Zayn said to me, but my back was facing him so he couldn’t see my puffy eyes. I poured my sugar into my coffee and stirred it while clanking the spoon against the mug multiple times. 

I heard footsteps walk away and a door shut gently. I sighed knowing Liam went to his room and now I was alone with him. 

“About what?” I asked blandly. My fingers loosely holding onto the end of the spoon.

“Listen.” He breathed out gently, his footsteps getting closer, but my back was still turned. “I know you’re probably wondering why I’m back. And I’m also guessing you want an explanation.”

I threw the spoon in the sink then, the rage coming at me full force. I turned around to face him his eyes were pained and stained red like mine.

“I don’t need you to explain yourself.” I seethed. 

“Well, I just wanted to apologize-“

“I don’t need your apology either.” 

Zayn nodded carefully but continued to step closer to me. I tried to move back but the sink was already pushed into the bottom of my spine. 

“Look, Ni.” He reached out towards me and I smacked his hand away immediately.

“Stop.” I warned him, watching his eyes skate back and forth between his hand and my face. I could feel myself burning bright red and the tears were welling back behind my eyes. I didn’t want to let them fall though. I needed to be strong here. 

“There’s never been a day that went by that I didn’t think of you.” He admitted, and I felt a pain shoot through my body so intense I thought I was going to pass out. I tried to ignore it though by trying to numb myself from his words. 

“I don’t care.” 

“I mean it. I want you to know.”

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“You can say it doesn’t matter all you want but you know it does.” He stepped even closer, our eyes connecting and our noses almost touching. My breath hitched in my throat and I wanted to push him  
away so bad but I couldn’t bring myself to move. 

“Don’t you even dare tell me what matters and what doesn’t.” I whispered out, my body starting to tremble. 

“Niall, I know I hurt you but-“ 

“You can’t even come close to understanding the immense pain I felt Zayn!” I screamed then while finally finding my strength to push him back. “You don’t get to come back after all these years and throw this garbage at me and tell me how to feel!”

I felt the tears falling down my face. Containing them was too much for me to handle. I was angry. I felt so much pain looking at him standing in front of me. He looked different. He was thinner, his hair was longer. I could see an unfamiliar tattoo poking out underneath the rolled-up sleeve of my gray sweater. 

His face looked upset. His eyes filled with distress. He was staring at me as the tears continued to roll down my red cheeks. 

“Niall I’m sorry, okay I needed to get away. I wasn’t myself anymore. I was afraid if I stayed I would hurt both of us.” He explained, trying to get closer to me again. I just closed my eyes and let my head fall towards the ground, unable to look at him anymore.

“You broke me anyway, Zayn.” I choked out. “For weeks, for months even, I cried every damn day thinking and asking myself what did I do that was so wrong that you couldn’t even talk to me.” 

His hands rested on my face then. His thumbs brushing at my tears. My heart was racing and my heart was aching. My hands came up to grab at his wrists as I continued to sob. 

“Niall, it wasn’t you.” He tried to explain but I shook my head. 

“I felt so abandoned by the person I loved and trusted the most. You need to understand that I was so fucking broken!” I yelled, gripping his wrists tight and pulling his gentle hands off my face. 

“It wasn’t about you Niall!” He screamed back and I winced at the pain I heard laced in his voice. “It was about me and what I had to do.”

I glared at him then and he stared back with tears welling in his own eyes now. I rolled mine then, letting go of his wrists and turning my back on him once again. 

“We were together. It was about us.”

“I’m sorry Ni, please-.”

“I can’t listen to this anymore. You need to leave.” I cut him off. 

“Don’t do this.” He pleaded, but this was too much for me. I needed it to stop.

“Get out.”

“Ni-“

“I said get out!” I yelled and it was quiet for a minute. Then I heard footsteps leaving and the front door slammed shut. 

I sobbed then, my face leaned over the sink and my tears were landing heavy on the stainless steel. Even after all this time my heart was still in so much pain.


	2. Chapter 2

Seeing him now after all this time was unbearable. I have so many questions, but I don’t know if I want answers. I want to know why he left, but then again, I don’t think I want to hear it. It’s been so long since we’ve talked and this reunion was devastating.

“Niall?” I heard Liam call out softly from the other room. I wiped my eyes and grabbed a paper towel to blow my nose.

“Yeah, Li.” I said, watching him come out of his room with big sad brown eyes. He must have heard everything that was said, especially when I started yelling. No wonder he looked so apprehensive.

“I heard.” He told me and sounded worried just as I had expected. I continued to make my coffee while reaching over to grab some bread to pop in the toaster.

I knew my face was tear stained and bright red so I kept my back turned. I didn’t need to see Liam’s sympathetic expression.

“I’m fine.” I told him, hoping he would leave the situation be. I didn’t want to talk about it. What was there to even talk about?

Zayn coming back didn’t make any sense. I still don’t even think I can believe it. It was unreal to me. Seeing him standing in front of me and saying those things that made my emotions stab at my heart and twist up my brain made me furious.

“Zayn contacted Louis and he asked where to find you.” Liam informed me as I was buttering my slightly burnt breakfast. I bit my lip in anger.

“Great.”

“I didn’t want him to talk to you.” He said, walking up next to me and placing his hands on the counter. “He wouldn’t leave though until he did.”

“Well he got what he wanted.” I took a bite of my toast, and began to walk towards the table to sit. My legs felt weak as I moved.

“I won’t let him come back here Niall. I swear it.”

“Why is he even back?” I questioned desperately. I looked up at Liam then, his head shaking back and forth.

“He didn’t say. All he told me was that he was sorry for leaving us.”

“A pointless apology.” I scoffed, leaning my head back as I rubbed at my eyes harshly to try and stop them from burning.

Liam sighed and sat down next to me his eyes continued to hold that troubled gaze. He wet his lips and breathed in deeply.

“Do you know how hard it was seeing you like that after he left?” He uttered, his hands clenching and unclenching. “I took care of you every damn day because I was scared you were going to fucking kill yourself over him.”

“I wasn’t going to kill myself.” I groaned, rolling my eyes which made Liam wince.

“You wouldn’t eat Niall. You wouldn’t sleep. You wouldn’t even leave your room for weeks.” He stressed.

“I know I was there, thanks.”

“That’s why I don’t want him to come back here. When he called last week I-.” He began but I cut him off immediately.

“Last _week?_ ” I blurted out, my eyes going wide.

I felt my insides burning again and Liam looked at me with a careful expression.

“You knew.” I accused, and Liam shut his eyes now, looking full of regret. “You knew he was coming back?!”

“Niall, I tried to keep him away.” He explained but I shook my head and slammed my fist on the counter making Liam jump a little.

If Zayn had every intention of coming back and it wasn’t a coincidence then this was just the beginning. As much as I didn’t want it to be true, I knew I would be seeing him again soon.

There was nothing Liam could do to keep him away from me if he wanted to talk again. Zayn was always persistent.

“You know it’s not that simple. You should have told me.” I replied, getting up and heading for my room, once again leaving Liam behind.

I closed my bedroom door and rested my back against it once it clicked shut. I knew l was being distant from Liam lately and now with Zayn calling him and showing up it was making it worse. I didn’t mean to shut out my best friend but he should have told me.

Zayn and I used to spend every moment we had together so when he up and left without a goodbye I was so lost I didn’t even know what to do with myself.  


It was Liam who picked me back up and returned a smile to my face. He was always there, taking care of me, making sure I ate and making sure I would sleep through the night. He really did too much for me, and I never properly thanked him.

Recently Liam had been looking at me like I was broken again. But now I knew why. Liam felt resentment towards Zayn for leaving us and for leaving me. He always told me how he would never forgive him for what he had done.

I walked over to my bedside table and grasped the picture frame I had displayed on the wood top. Zayn and I, our arms interlocked with giant smiles on our faces. Our eyes squinted shut from laughing and his hand cupping my chin.

I slammed the picture face down so hard I heard the glass shatter.

“You son of a bitch.” I cursed, my hand was now covered in glass.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  

I pulled up to Harry’s and Louis’ house and slammed the car door shut and stomped up the porch stairs. Without even knocking I walked through the front door to see Louis doing what looked to be like paper work at the kitchen table.

I threw my keys on the table in front of him glaring him down. He sighed and looked up to meet my gaze. His eyes were filled with no expression. I was pissed, and I wanted him to know.

“We need to talk.” I fumed and Louis gestured for me to sit down. I kicked the chair out of my way and Louis blinked his eyes at me.

“If it’s about Zayn, I’m sorry, okay?” He apologized shrugging his shoulders and moving the paperwork to the side.

“Why would you tell him where to find me?” I snapped and Louis’ expression was starting to mimic my own.

“He said he was sorry and wanted to talk to you Niall.”

“Shouldn’t you have, oh I don’t know, maybe talked to me first?” I questioned with a baffled look plastered on my face.

“Would you have said yes if I had?” He asked, raising his eyebrows.

“No, Louis. That’s the point. He doesn’t have the right to come back into my life and fuck with my emotions like that.”

“Well that’s exactly why I didn’t tell you.”

Louis stood up from the table now and began to walk over to the door I left slightly open. He gently kicked it shut and put his hands in his pockets.

“I have been talking to Zayn for a couple months now Niall and-“

“Are you serious?” I groaned. Not only was Liam in contact with him but Louis as well? I clenched my fists and sighed out deeply. What the hell was Zayn’s motive here?

“He’s sorry and you should talk to him.” He told me and I chuckled darkly right in his face.

“Are you an idiot? Or have you forgotten how fucking difficult my life has been for the past five fuckin’ years?”

Louis’ scowled at me now, his arms crossing over his chest and his blue eyes clouded with irritation.

“I was always there and I always listened to you Ni. I’d never ignore your feelings. Things got tough but he had a reason.”

Louis had always been Zayn’s best friend. They were almost as close as Zayn and me. They always had each other’s backs. It made sense that he would reach out to Louis first.

“Do you know what seeing him after all this time does to me? Louis, how can you even be saying this right now?” I asked my voice sounding agitated.

“I don’t know Ni.” He breathed out, running his fingers through his thin messy hair. “I’m trying to look out for both of you and I’ll tell you this. Zayn stuck out most of the years here, for you.”

“What?” I asked gently, my heart clenching a little.

“He was always distant, with all of us especially at the end, but with you, he was different.” He told me, a smile coming to his face. “He was always genuine around you. We all knew he was suffering, but when you were around, he always looked so happy.”

Zayn and I had dated for 3 years before he disappeared. We had always had a thing for each other ever since we first met. I was so in love and I was thrilled when he asked me to be  
his. After he left though, I had wished we had never even met.

The boys all told me how depressed Zayn was, but when we were together he would tell me how happy he was with me and that he loved me so much. We were so happy together and it confused me when he was one day gone. Why didn’t he tell me or take me with him? If we were together I could have helped him get through anything.

I had begun to believe he lied to me. If he had loved me like he said he did he would have talked to me. He wouldn’t have abandoned me and disconnected me from his life completely. I would have never been able to do that to him.

I never understood how he could leave me so easily. I would have never left him but he was gone and left me without a word. That’s why I was so bitter. I would have never done anything like that to him. And now he was trying to come back but this bridge was burned and fixing it was going to be nearly impossible.

“He was the love of my life.” I confessed, feeling tears welling in my eyes, remembering all the times Zayn had kissed my lips gently telling me I was the love of his life.

“I know.”

“He left me.”

“I think leaving you was his toughest decision.” Louis told me then, and I rubbed my tears away and the anger was suddenly returning.

“Well clearly it wasn’t that hard because he left and hasn’t talked to me for years. I don’t think I can forgive him. Even now, I see him and I don’t even feel sad, I feel… angry.” I explained, and Louis nodded and looked down now seeing my hand which was covered in small tiny cuts.

I quickly put my hand in my pocket and turned my head towards the ground.

“I can see that and I can also understand where you’re coming from Niall, but maybe you should actually talk to him.” He pressed but I couldn’t. I wanted him to go away. I wished he had never come back.

“I can’t be around him.”

“Well, maybe you should give it a try.”

“I don’t want to hear his excuses.”

“Niall.” Louis said sternly, “You need to remember that not everything he did was to hurt you. Staying and lying to himself would not only have hurt him, but also you.”

“He hurt me anyway!” I screamed back, “He should have talked to me. There was no need to shut me out completely. I was so lost and confused without him!”

“I know, and I’m not trying to condone what he did. But maybe you should let him talk to you so you can get his side. He’s hurting too.”

Louis then walked over to the table he was originally sitting at and moved around the paper work he was touching on earlier. I saw a tiny sticky note underneath a folder that he picked up and folded. He stuck his hand out and pressed the note to my chest.

“What is this?”

“Listen, everything is up to you babe. I can only give you my advice. You don’t have to take it but, I know you still love him. Even after all this time, I can see what he does to you.” Louis smiled gently at me and I grabbed the piece of paper which was stuck to my chest.

Before I could even ask any more questions, Louis picked up his work and headed for his room. I glanced at the paper in my hand and my heart began to thump in my chest. There was a number written in a handwriting that was all too familiar.

**Niall, please call me.**  
**-Z**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you.
> 
> #ZIALLFOREVER

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you.  
> #ZIALLFOREVER


End file.
